Methodical Methods of Madness

Ahh, where do I begin? I am so tired these days but I must keep busy.

Bill is in Afghanistan now. He left out of my life so quickly. I knew it would happen weeks ago. Hell, I put him up to it but I don't think I was ready for it. Can we ever be really ready for our spouses to just get up one morning and fly away with a kiss and a promise to be home soon? We all say that too.. "see you soon" as if convincing ourselves that it really will be soon, but who are we kidding? It's not soon. Maybe in the whole scheme of things, our lives as a whole, it's soon comparatively to like, becoming old and gray and wearing diapers again. But really, when looked at in the perspective of "I'm going to the store, be back soon" versus, "I'm going to war, be back soon" one is more accurate than the other. I guess it's all in perspective and we can kid ourselves saying it won't be long, but it's just that.. a ploy to convince our own selves it will be quick. It's a lie. One morning, I am afraid I'm going to wake up and the lie will catch up with me and go "HA HA! It's been weeks and he's not back. You Lied!" Until that day, I'm trying to stay ahead of myself so I don't get caught. Bill will be home soon. He will......

So what am I doing with my time? I'm LOSING MY MIND! My kids are lovely little itty bitty DEVILS! I clean, they make messes. I cook, the don't eat it but eat everything else in the cupboard. I tell them to stop fighting, they kick each other in the head. I say stop, they say go. I want to get in their grubby little faces and scream at the top of my lungs and say "DON'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HIDING FROM MY PAINFUL HEART RIGHT NOW? JUST SHUT THE HECK UP ALREADY" But I can't do that. I growl at them sometimes and stomp my feet but they just look at it as a challenge. I can't do much but watch the clock for bedtime. I live for those moments when I can talk to Bill on AIM or on the phone. I live to hear he is okay. Everything else seems so mundane but I come alive when I hear the chime of him coming online. Sometimes it's my mother and that excitement is short lived, but sometimes it's him. I want to reach through the screen and kiss and hug him and then yell at him for listening to me to begin with and for signing up for a stupid deployment.

I want to yell a lot it seems. I have a lot of aggression in me these days. I have a plan though, to take out this aggression at the gym. I can't beat anyone else up, so I'm going to beat up on myself. I'm going to fight away the cravings, the self soothing, the self pity when I go to squeeze into my pants and look like sausage. I'm going to wage war on flab. I have 4 months to get in shape and come hell or high water, I'm taking advantage of it. Exercise releases good endorphines and I'm hoping to use them for good instead of evil. My kids want to act like Bozo the Clown? Fine! It 'aint nothin but a thang'. Hopefully I'm not lying to myself now and a month from now on her giving excuses as to why I gave up.

I will get thin again. I will get in shape again. This deployment will be short. I will make the best of this.

Sure, maybe it's all lies but if I keep running from myself to hide from that fact, then maybe I will run enough to make the lies a reality. Maybe. I'd like to think so.

See you Soon!