On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me..

Twas the night before christmas in USA


Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
was triply redundant, linked to the Blue Cube.
ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
that nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded
an incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some reconnaissance to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't quite put my finger on how I'm feeling about this Christmas. I am excited to see the kids open their presents, but the whole day, I'll be thinking "I guess this is it" Shortly after Christmas, Bill is off to go comply with President Obama's orders. It's kind of put a damper on the Holiday cheer. I'm trying to get excited about the Holiday itself but this stupid snow is making it difficult to get to the store to get Bill's presents. I have no idea what to get him either.

What do you give someone who is about to go downrange? He won't be able to enjoy much of what I give him, but I have no idea what *to* give him. I want to get him an electric blanket, but aside from that.. I have no idea what else to get. I don't think he's getting me anything at all but the pressure to make his last couple of days wonderful is a lot of pressure.

Ahhhh!!

I really love Thanksgiving because it marks the beginning of the Christmas season, but this year.. this year is not very exicting. Money is an issue, my husband is leaving soon, and to top it off.. I'm still fighting off pneumonia.

This *isn't* the type of Christmas I had hoped for. Hopefully next year, I will have my health, we'll have some money to shop for each other, and he won't be leaving anywhere or gone during the Holidays.

That's my Christmas wish anyway.

Muddling through the Mud

I awoke this morning to a strange occurance.. the first thought on my mind wasn't "ouch". I mean, I was in a bit of pain, but it was manageable.

Yesterday, after starting the antibiotics, I woke up to my head throbbing so hard, my throat dry and scratchy, my lips chapped and sticky and my lungs burning fire. I called Brie hoarsely and she came running (my sweet little girl is so good to me sometimes) and she goes "Mommy, what's wrong?" I tell her "Mommy needs her medicine, honey. Can you help me?" She runs downstairs and gets me some water, my robitussin with codeine and the advil. I take it all and force myself to swallow the liquid down my throat which felt like sawdust and then I passed back out.
I wake up about 20 minutes later to hear Brie trying to get Justin out of bed. He's kicking and screaming and mad because he doesn't want to get up, and she's frustrated because she's only trying to help me. I crawl out of bed and lurch to his doorway and tell him "It's time to get up, so get up now and get dressed please" I go downstairs to once again pass out on the couch.
Then my other saving grace of the day enters into the scene.. Bill. He comes in the front door, sees what needs done then whisks the kids off to school to let me get some much needed rest. I slept and slept and slept and then slept some more. I woke long enough to get more advil.
But then 2 oclock happens and Bill is still sleeping upstairs. I climb the stairs to see if he is getting up and get to the top step to have the room start spinning. I can't catch my breath and I start to sob thus making it harder for me to breathe. (Oh how pathetic I was)
I pulled myself together long enough to get Justin from school and came home to lay down again. It was like my body knew it had permission to finally get better and was fighting off having to do anything to hinder the healing.

Bill wakes up in time to get Brianna and then comes home with stuff to make tacoes. When it was ready, I go to sit at the table and try to be upbeat and jump up to get some forks for everyone. The walk from the table to the kitchen drawer happened too quickly and my lungs decided not to play nice. Once again, the room spins and the dry heaving starts. Why I start dry heaving every time I'm short of breath, I don't know. It's some kind of wierd response. Bill helps me sit down and now I'm not even hungry, but I know I have to try. Why? Because it is our 6th wedding anniversary and I wanted atleast something to go right today.
We begin to eat and Bill makes a joke and I start to laugh which gets me coughing and gasping for air again so what do I do? I bawl.

I am feeling so pathetic these days.

So this morning I decided this wasn't going to beat me. I woke up on my own, (Brianna brought me some advil though)and got the kids ready and walked all the way to the school and back and guess what... IT SNOWED!!!! Big fluffy, wet, snow flakes!
They didn't last long and melted as soon as they touched the ground, but I saw snow this morning.

Now I am back home, warm and on my couch and debating on taking more medicine. I'm coughing and my lungs hurt, but I want to stay awake to do some christmas shopping when Bill gets done with the dentist.
Either way, I am alive and on the mend. Hopefully, even though Bill is leaving shortly after, that we all can have a nice Christmas together and celebrate his birthday in style.

Hopefully my next post, I will be mostly done with this pneumonia bull crap.

So Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

*cough cough cough*

*sniffle*

*cough*

There, that's the update.


blech







I am SO sick right now. I spent the day in the ER getting some much needed TLC from the doctors. TLC in the form of IV fluids, antinausea meds and breathing treatments. I found out today that I have been sick for weeks, trying to ignore it, when in fact I've been living with pneumonia for quite some time. It's gotten so bad that I see stars and bright speckles out of the corner of my eyes.

I'm on antibiotics and what not and am resting.

So there's my update. Tomorrow is our anniversary and I'm hoping to be able to get my butt off the couch. It would be nice.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..

Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?


Life is okay today. We (B and I) got to go out to a predeployment briefing to learn all the good stuff we should know for when our spouses are gone. They didn't tell me the really good stuff I wanted to know like "Where are the best places to shop when your husband is away and "who do we call if we want to yell at our husbands and they aren't available".

I guess those are maybe only my concerns.

Really, it's okay. Maybe this "separation" will mature me a little bit. Ha ha.. I hope not! But maybe.. I hear of some of my friends' husbands deploying and they're leaving for like a friggin YEAR! A YEAR!! Omg.. 18 MONTHS! Are you serious?? I know people who meet, fall in love and divorce in that time frame but they're supposed to keep a marriage going strong and the fires burning bright for EIGHTEEN MONTHS! No way! No friggin way. I love Bill immensely but I don't even think I'd know who he was anymore after 18 months. You'd have to start dating all over again when he came back to see if you were still compatable.

I think the 5 months this deployment will be won't be that bad. 5 months is like an extended temporary duty assignment. That's not even the half way point for most army dudes who are going. Okay, not dudes.. "Soldiers".. sorry to exclude the women there. I'd just hope that most women are smarter than their male counterparts and Go Air Force instead. ha ha. I'm biased like that. People say "Army is so much better than Air Force" but guess what IDIOTS!! AF is deploying for FIVE MONTHS while ya'll are out there A YEAR!! I think the proof is in the pudding princess.. Air Force is better! It may make you "tougher" to go Army, but HELLO!!!! Knock Knock.. Who's There? COMMON SENSE!!

This deployment 'aint nothin but a thang'.. but watch, 3 weeks from now I'm going to be pouring my eyes out and blubbering like a baby about how lonely I am.

FRACK THAT! I'm gonna be excited about our trip to see Cirque Du Soliel. All's I need is the money.
Money.. money.. money.. I am so SICK of money!! Seems to be the one thing that is the hardest to find and there is never EVER enough. This whole deployment was driven by money.

Switching gears now, as to the whole T and B thing, the longer I am away from T, the more clear headed I have become. It really is like coming out of a fog. The woman has isolated me so much and has bogged me down with her incessant rants and incessant calls and incessant "Im coming over"s and her incessant "come to our house" and her incessant INSANITY that I have forgotten what it's like to breathe fresh air. OMG! It is a lovely thing to breathe fresh air again. I am thinking clearly and seeing things clearly and HAPPIER! I am so much happier today!

Sadly, I'd forgive her if she wanted to make ammends but I would never forget or absolve her of her responsibility to the friendships she has tried to pretend to be a part of. She would have to own up to it all and clear the air. I have apologized and apologized again for being untrue to my friends and for believing the lies but they have forgiven me and I love them for that. It speaks volumes to me that they would forgive me, when the unforgiving nature of T is what sparked this whole mess to begin with.

I think I'm actually proud that this woman no longer considers me her friend. I don't think I'd want to meet her approval. Far better people she has condemned in her eyes so to be among their ranks is a privelidge. I am proud to be her "castoff" because it shows for once, that I have risen above her hateful nature. I am free..

Free at last.. Free At last.. Thank GOD AlMIGHTY! I'm Free at last.

And I have friends... true friends.. who accept me for who I am and I can't figure out for the life of me why they are still friends with me, but I'm not going to take that for granted again.

Cheetos and Coke to Cope

Today is a new day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the kids are fighting... all is good in the world, right?

wrong

But we can pretend.

Let's pretend that things aren't going to hell in a handbasket here. Let's pretend my husband isn't grumpy because he leaves soon. Let's pretend my son isn't sick and feverish and I am not in my Pjs sitting on the couch eating cheetos and drinking coca cola. Let's pretend that I don't get some kind of sick preverse enjoyment watching the dinosaur fight reenactments on tv. When I said that we don't have any more make believe in our lives as grown ups, I LIED! I'm doing a good job today of make believing. But let's pretend I'm not.
Really, I'm not as depressed as I think I was yesterday. Maybe I am, but I choose to ignore it. I talked to B and found out that life is pretty shitty for a lot of people as of late. I look at pictures of T and think "How could such a lovely looking person have such ugliness on the inside?" I don't get it but I guess you could wrap a turd and make it look nice. Put some potpourri on the box and those who receive it will think "oh how nice" until as it gets older and older, the potpourri wears off and the stink permeates outside of the box. Eventually it gets unbearable enough that you just want to throw it away. I think I've reached that point. Even if it gets rewrapped with even better potpourri and an even more insulated box, I still know it's just a pretty box of wrapped shit and I don't want to hang onto it anymore. (let's pretend I'm still talking about a box here too, ok?)

The loss of my friend Jean is sinking in every day and I wonder how trivial it is that I am stressed by this crap, when she would probably give anything to be back with her kids and have trivial things to stress about. I want to live each day and enjoy it, not taking it for granted, because she can't. She was denied that opportunity by her sick and twisted husband.

I don't know how this will all eventually pan out but I hope all is not lost. I hope I don't lose all of my friends because I wasn't smart enough to catch onto what was happening until I was swept away with it. I feel like a frog who was in a pot of warm water not realizing the heat was rising until my butt began to cook.

Me and my metaphors. Bill hates them and says : "I wish you would just say it plainly"

lol, but I don't know how. Oh yeah? How bout.. "Dang I messed up pretty badly with this" My excuse is that I'm not used to making friends, but I should've known better. Oh well, I think I learned something from this.. I hope so. I am not pretending that either.. I really hope that I don't end up in this situation again. From now on, I'll be smelling boxes a little more closely and trying to see beyond the wrapping from the get go.

Bill is taking off for his "all expense paid trip to the sandy middle east" and I will be here with just me, the kids, and glen our cat. I plan on taking the kids to see Cirque Del Soliel next month if I can get tickets. I think it'd be cool to take them to see another pantomime. The one in Bury is fabulous! I love the UK.. aside from the nutters.. it is a nice place. There is so much to see and do.
I will get back to the "Greene's comings and goings" once I get out of rut. I'm working on it though. It may be just a make believe tale in the works, but I'm still trying to turn the pages, which has to count for something.. right?

Hard lessons in life part 2

Things always seem clearer with time, but I am still so confused on what I want out of life these days. I am so confused on what is right and what is wrong and who are friends and who aren't. I thought I knew, but I don't anymore. I thought I was doing good here, but most likely not.

I guess I am at a crossroads here because I feel like I'm on the edge of discovering something about myself that I was trying to ignore before. Maybe I try to appear optimistic, but really, I had lost my faith in the human race years ago. Maybe I never had any. When I first discovered that Santa wasn't real, I feel the whole world was a lie. I guess metaphorically, this week, it feels like finding out all over again. This world is an ugly ugly place with evil and corruption and evil corrupt people all around it.

There has to be some beauty somewhere though right? There has to be something to bring peace.

Yes, religion is an obvious choice, but that doesn't restore my faith in humanity. That just assures me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. I want to see beauty again. I want to believe in Santa again.

Is it just the adult in me telling me to grow up, that he's not real?

Or is it the inner child in me that is yelling "Life was so much better when you believed"?

I am at a crossroads.

I want to believe but the evidence is overwhelming that humanity is lost. Time and time again I try to believe in people, but their true selves come out of the woodwork not too long in.

Heck, it wasn't too long ago that my own "friends" called the base and had me placed under gun point.

It's my own "friends" that almost landed me 20 years in prison for being a drug mule and using my trust to carry "gym bags" for them without looking inside them.

It's my own "friends" that have smiled in my face but then gone behind me to mock me as if I were a joke.

I would like to think that there is something wrong with *them* and not me, but I'm the common denominator right? I let these things happen because I smile and invite them to my home and open myself up, trusting that all they want from me is friendship as well. That's not necessarily the case.

I hate how dramatic I have become but right now it feels like I have this cut, in my soul, that closes up and mends on its own but each time a supposed "friend" lets their true colors show, that the wound opens again and my emotions pour out. It's not so much as venting, but as literally they drain out and I am left with nothing.

I feel nothing as of now, except disgust for people in general.

To fill that gap, I need to see beauty. I need to see the basic charm of life and from the simplistic viewpoint of a child. I think if I don't retreat away from all the negatives that all of the emotions I have left are going to drain away and I will have nothing left but a shell.

Life is so unfair. Why teach our kids about fairy tales, good deeds, knights in shining armor, santa clause and happy elves if when they grow up, the only thing they are surrounded by are evil witches, mean devils, and soul suckers? Where have all of the prince and princesses gone?

Hard Lessons in Life

Things have not been so great for me lately. I went to bed last night shocked and in tears and woke up to an extra dose of it. I think I have been naive and too trusting.. as usual. There aren't many people like me in the world. People who have faith in human kind and who try not to see the ugly in anyone but only the best. Once again it has bit me in the rear and I find myself struggling to understand what has happened to humanity. So instead of being so abstract I will give you the facts.

Fact: when I came to Lakenheath, I had already networked and made some friends over the web.

Fact: upon arrival, I met one of these people, let's just call her "B". Her children seemed quite nice and B introduced us to her friends and for the first time in a long time, I was visiting people's houses and making an attempt to have a social life.

Fact: B introduced us to someone, let's call "T" and T seemed overwhelmingly outgoing and fun. She seemed odd because she spoke of witch craft, the paranormal and sex like she was discussing her favorite movies, candy and songs. Without a blink of the eye, T could say things to shock the heck out of anyone.

Fact: Soon after getting to know B and T, we began to hang out in large groups with other friends.. D, C, and TH. T began to dislike B and began to pull away from the group.

Fact: Myself, my husband, T and her husband and daughter all were coming to know each other better because we are into the paranormal as well and we generally liked their family.

Fact: T begins to dislike B intensely and begins to dwell on it to the point where any time we were around T, she would talk about B to the point of calling her names and then would start putting pressure on me not to see B anymore or else I was being a "phoney"

Fact: T had given me an ultimatum.. choose B or T. When I said I wasn't going to choose, T flipped her switch on me and has begun to email me with the same type of animosity she has been harboring for B.

Fact: T thinks she is a witch and psychic and that she knows B and TH are doing bad things together because she has "seen it with her 6th sense and had a dream about it

Fact: I am now not speaking to anyone because it has all gotten too strange for me.


So there are the facts. As ludicrious as it sounds, there it is. I wanted to be friends with B, T, Th, D, and C but the negativity of T has put a sour spin on all of it. I liked her husband and her daughter immensely but I now see T as a liability and a loose cannon. It's a shame really, but I have learned my lesson.

My thoughts on humanity these days are pretty warped and I realize that if I need to trust someone, it better just be myself because trusting other people is a gamble in which I will most likely lose. Warped? Yes. Wrong? No.

To top off this drama, I found out last night that one of my old friends from the Italy era had something bad happen to her. I became this woman's friend from a game site.. www.pogo.com. We played a game called word riot every single day for months on end. We talked on voice chat along with other players and eventually became really close. I helped her set up her myspace account. I looked at her pictures of her daughter's prom. I saw her kids' school photos. We became such good friends that Bill and I were going to try to get stationed near her. Sadly, I stopped talking to her because I felt that she was in the wrong for talking to so many of the men in the chatroom even though her husband asked her not to. I was frustrated with her because she would flirt online with these men, and I had grown to care for her and her family.

It turns out that a year after we stopped talking, she asked her husband for a divorce and his response was to strangle her and then tie her body up and put cinder blocks on it and throw her in a river.

I don't for a second think I could have saved her from that, but maybe if I had been a better friend, she would have had someone to talk to when her husband began to get more and more angry with her. Maybe I could have been able to help her get away from her husband. Maybe we could have got orders there if we had persued it and I could have been a better pillar of friendship to her and maybe there could have been something I could have said and done to help her.

But then again, with my track record.. most likely not. But I can't help but wonder.

Similarly to what is my current drama.. B and T... I think it wrong to not be friends with someone because they do things you don't approve of in their personal lives. Who are we to judge? B has never done anything cruel to me and most of what T has against B stems from her "Psychic" abilities. Everything she claims to have "seen" no one else has seen. She claims to want to be my friend but the moment I say "can we please stop talking about B and just be friends without having to talk about that every 5 seconds?" she flips out on me. I feel like she tried to make me her puppet and when I wouldn't let her, she has now turned on me. At the very least, T is very unstable.

I have lost friends because of falling outs. I have lost friends to them moving away. I have lost friends because people have chosen to take them off this earth too soon. And I have lost friends because I was too judgemental. I am afraid to make friends with anyone now because I always wonder what secret craziness they are hiding under the surface that is going to come out and "bite me in the rear" eventually.

I think I'm jaded on humanity.

Fact:I won't be going out of my way to open up to anyone again. This blog is sufficient for me.

Overeater's Anonymous

Here I am, writing this blog after two plates of pasta, bread, wine and salad topped off with a cup of coffee and a cupcake. Oy vey! That was all I ate all day, but good grief that's a lot of food. I look in the mirror and think "why am I so overweight" and then I think to myself, cuz you eat enough for two people you blooming idiot.
So here I am, a blooming idiot. Blooming Get it?

What do I plan on doing about this? I plan on shrinking. The Incredible shrinking me, TBA. When my husband leaves, that is my cue to begin the transformation. I did some of it in Aviano but things got hectic during the move. I mean, this has been one of the most stressful years of my life. My husband's first deployment ever is looming on the horizon and I just want to give him all the comforts of home. Its too bad those comforts involve calories- tons of 'em!

So soon I hope to have "The shrinking woman syndrome". Ok, I don't hope to, I plan to. I had Bill get the Zumba workouts on video for me so I could start doing them. I don't want to sit around and cry my eyes out about my husband. I want to give him something to look forward to for when he comes back.

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Moving on...

You remember a few posts ago how I mentioned that dreams have power? The other night I dreamt I was in a horrible car accident. This accident took place right outside the base, and I was side swiped at a round-a-bout by a car that didn't yield. Today I was shocked to see that as I drove through there, the evidence that a car accident had recently occured was strewn about. There were tire marks in the grass and signs either bent or upended. I don't think my dream caused the accident, but I do find it odd that I dream that and then a few days later there is an accident there. Coincidence? I dunno.

We aren't doing much this week because our time together as a family is so greatly limited. Our 6 year wedding anniversary is the 16th and Bill's birthday is on the 24th. We're going to go on a date together for the first time in years. Wowie. I'm looking forward to it.

So here I leave you with a photograph of a weight loss before and after. Oh how nice it would be if that were me...

Just plain crazy

Things are hectic predeployment.. that's an understatement. I feel like a rock in a dryer right now, being tossed about. Christmas, our Anniversary, Bill's birthday, his deployment, the thought of being a "single mom" for those months... the pressures are just building.

The main side effect I've been having is insomnia. Sleep is elusive and I'm cranky because of it. So aside from the stress and wanting to SCREAM.. here's what's new:

Last weekend we went to Bury St. Edmunds. It blew Italy out of the water! Italy had its cute little villages, its quaint villas, its vino, but England has a special charm to it. In Italy, people were very quiet and to themselves. They came out to ride their bikes and to walk their children in strollers, but they were elusive. I hardly ever saw an Italian teenager in the town we lived in. We would see the women gardening and the men cutting the overgrown hedges, but rarely did we see them "in their day to day lives". When we went to the market, there were people everywhere, and all of them, just like us, were out to shop and have a good time. This is why England feels more like "home" and not like a place that we are alienated from. Italy was like a photograph, taken years ago, with the people still moving around slowly in it, not realizing that the time has passed them by and that the world has changed. To some, this is an ideal situation, but to the rest of us, the modern ammenities such as Cinemas, mall strips, fast food chains, etc would be too greatly missed. In Bury, it was like a mix of the old and new... there were the photograph in time qualities mixed with the new. Old recipe item foods were sold at stalls but a quick walk towards the center of the mall strip yielded high fashion stores, electronics, and restaurants. It was ideal.


Old:


the stalls:


and the new:






Tomorrow we go to Thetford for their "city lighting" and I plan on spending some pounds on getting some home made British foods. I'm excited to have a good evening and am looking forward to having my first batch of roasted chestnuts.

I'll be sure to post how that went.